i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
