i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
