it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
