I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
