I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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