Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
