i don't really know how much tequila is too much
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
