Texts From Last Night

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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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  (610): You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck http://tfl.nu/4xap
  Replies (35) Good night (6439) Bad night (1348)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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  (623): Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/vksk
  Replies (42) Good night (974) Bad night (6295)
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  (619): View more from California

  There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.

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  (619): There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie. http://tfl.nu/om3k
  Replies (31) Good night (912) Bad night (3601)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.

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  (813): Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house. http://tfl.nu/ztm5
  Replies (9) Good night (3431) Bad night (941)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.

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  (270): I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut. http://tfl.nu/p9pu
  Replies (17) Good night (1094) Bad night (2347)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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  (262): You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk. http://tfl.nu/u9t6
  Replies (7) Good night (4381) Bad night (811)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

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  (224): Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test. http://tfl.nu/65e0
  Replies (10) Good night (640) Bad night (1176)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

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  (231): I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle http://tfl.nu/1xsa
  Replies (7) Good night (1082) Bad night (483)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.

  (316): View more from Kansas

  And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming

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  (316): ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid. (316): And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming http://tfl.nu/9ifj
  Replies (2) Good night (972) Bad night (428)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.

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  (973): How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow... (862): This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am. http://tfl.nu/nxs7
  Replies (0) Good night (1272) Bad night (467)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.

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  (781): i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops. http://tfl.nu/wb46
  Replies (1) Good night (541) Bad night (232)
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  (818): View more from California

  Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!

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  (818): Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security! http://tfl.nu/7slr
  Replies (2) Good night (289) Bad night (779)
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter

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  (807): i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter http://tfl.nu/p7cr
  Replies (2) Good night (380) Bad night (465)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.

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  (443): Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue. http://tfl.nu/vk1w
  Replies (1) Good night (954) Bad night (483)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?

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  (440): How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!? http://tfl.nu/0sun
  Replies (3) Good night (346) Bad night (460)

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