My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.