my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."