Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
