she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
