I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Who died my cat blue again?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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