Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
