you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
