When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
