You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
