Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
now i know why i became what i already was.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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