Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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