i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
