Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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