you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
