im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
