For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
