your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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