I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
