i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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