Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
