i think my tv is drunk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.