so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole