i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
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I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead