i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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