If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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