It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
