mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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