jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
