Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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