God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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