Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
