there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
