90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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