pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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