Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
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if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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