so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
