How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
