It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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