I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
