I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
