I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
