Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
