My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The adults are the big ones right?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
