remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
