Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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