My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
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Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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