If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
