Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
