Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize