I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
