dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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