I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Someone shattered a urinal.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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