That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
