Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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