i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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